Some decisions are easy to make. What you’re going to wear, what you’re going to eat. Some are more difficult, such as financial plans or career issues. Some are almost impossible to make. That’s where I am in my life, at an impossible intersection. No decision that I make is going to make me happy, at least not for a great while.
How do you decide between what you want, and what you know you need? What you can’t live with, and what you thought you couldn’t live without. I’m being forced to make just such a decision. There’s what I want, what I’m afraid to let go of because it is what I have wanted my entire life. Then, there’s what is killing me inside, and I simply can’t live with any longer.
It takes a long time to get to the point where you can actually even make the decision at all. It takes incredible pain, to finally reach a point where you can see that living in the situation that you’re in any longer can’t go on. That allowing it to go on is just too painful and damaging to your self-esteem, your spirit. It’s a pain that you can’t explain, a hurt that goes beyond physical discomforts to something that is spiritually painful.
I have lived with that pain, knowingly, because the thought of what it would take to stop that pain, seemed even more painful. Until now. It’s taken me a very long time to realize that eventually, someone has to choose to put you first. If not the person that you had hoped would do it, then you have to do it yourself.