I have always tried to avoid conversations about GOD and religion in general. It’s always been a confusing subject for me, and I have always felt conflicted. As a gay person, what I was taught as a child didn’t make sense to me. I knew that I had been born gay, there was never a time in my life that I didn’t know that I was different from most of my girl friends. The older I became, the more I understand that difference. But, it was always there.
I never played with dolls, or cared to have a tea party. I didn’t want to experiment with makeup, or care about dressing to impress the boys at school. I was never attracted to those football and baseball guys at all. But the girls on the track team, basketball team, and especially the softball team I was very attracted to – which at the time was very scary to me.
But I was taught that GOD didn’t make mistakes, and that I was made in GOD’s image. Then how could what I was made, be so terribly wrong? It made no sense to me.
I have spent many years searching for an answer, and trying to understand just that very thing. For many years, decades really, I just touted myself an agnostic and went about my business. I just assumed that I would live my life outside the presence of GOD and stopped talking to him, or her, or whatever GOD might truly be.
Now, at 51 years old, I’m at a place in my life where I have had to do some soul searching. I’ve been looking for something to explain how I could have let myself become the person that I had become. Insecure, afraid, angry, bitter, untrusting to name just a few of my more interesting personality traits. These traits were not at all the ones that I coveted, not what I had planned on becoming. Not at all what I had envisioned for myself. Nevertheless, they were there, affecting every aspect of my life.
In that search for meaning and answers, my wife discovered two books, authors really. The first Eckhart Tolle, the author of “The Power of Now” and the second Neale Donald Walsch, the author of “Conversations with God – an uncommon dialogue”. These two books, have had a large part in saving my marriage, but they’ve also played a role in helping me to see myself as a creation of GOD. Just as I am. Perfect in the eyes of the creator, and capable of all the incredible things I dreamed my life would become when I was young.
There are multiple books by both authors, and I have not read all of them yet. They aren’t the kind of books you speed read through. There are a lot of pauses in them, times when you have to set it down to think about what you’ve read. Time to be brave enough to let your mind even consider it, if you are like me and were raised with an idea that for forbids it.
If you are searching for truths in your life. If you can’t understand how you got where you are and what you are doing daily to keep you in that place you desperately want to escape, I highly recommend these books. They have changed my way of thinking about God, love, and myself.